I honestly didn’t know how to rate this book. I read mostly MM romance and rarely read non-fiction. Having said that, there was something about the blurb and the sample for this book that encouraged me to request a review copy for review purposes. I truly enjoyed reading about Jaap’s life experiences. The writing was easy to follow and his story was interesting if at times sad. Sometimes what he went through was hard to read and made me sad for him.

Reviews for Jaap Cové

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John picks me up at the airport with a taxi. We drop my bag in the RV that’s parked just outside Basel’s old center, but don’t stay there. John has other plans. I’m in for a romantic weekend. It’s snowy and below freezing point. I never expected the city to be so beautiful, or is it because we’re together again? We lunch in an upscale Konditorei, then walk arm in arm past the historical buildings in the old center. People on the pavement glare at us, but John doesn’t let go of my arm. It feels warm and safe. We visit the Gothic church and head to the quay of the river Rhine, where we kiss. There are people watching, which makes it more exciting. Protected by John, I don’t feel any embarrassment. I exist in a constant state of being crazy in love.

He takes me to my first gay sauna in the old town to warm up. As we enter a dimly-lit steam room, I lose John in the mist. In no time, there are many hands all over my body, touching my ass, my cock and my torso. I am scared.

As I adjust to the light, I look into the faces of the young men groping me and start to panic. I want to break free, but they won’t let me. Someone shoves his tongue between my lips. I wriggle to get away from the mass of bodies. Just as I reach the point of using force, I feel a hand pull me from the crowd. John pulls me close and embraces me. He smiles and tries to calm me.

‘You didn’t like that?’ he asks.

‘No, I panicked.’

‘Come, let’s get out of here.’

He takes me to a private room where we make love on a rubber bed covered with towels. Our session isn’t long and elaborate as it would have been in the RV. It turns me on just the same. I’m quickly positioned on my belly by his big hands, feeling the cold KY-jelly on my ass, after which he carefully pushes his warm cock inside. Pleasing John, giving my lover what he wants, in the way he wants it, excites me. I become hard as a rock. This man owns me when we make love.

Downstairs in the bar area later, we have a drink. I play with the thought that John planned the episode in the steam room. At the same time, the thought is ridiculous. I can’t imagine him telling all those guys that his lover from Holland would be visiting, and asking them to give me a warm welcome.

‘It was almost like they were waiting for me,’ I say. ‘All those hands on me.’

‘Why is that strange? Have you looked in the mirror lately?’

‘Huh?’

‘You’re very handsome, Jake. You’re a fucking knockout.’

I don’t know what to say, since no one ever told me that. I know I’m not ugly, but a knockout? I’m tall and slender, not muscled. And I’ve always been on the shy side, not confident about my looks. All my life people have told me that my blond curls are beautiful. But women couldn’t keep their hands off my hair when I was a young boy and I didn’t enjoy that.

‘And you have such a hot ass,’ he adds with a big smile. Then he kisses me.

As I take a sip of my drink, I think about how my life has changed. In less than three months, I have made the metamorphosis from Dordrecht wallflower to Basel knockout. My self-esteem balloons.

But something is gnawing at me.

‘So when you’re here on your own, I suppose those hands are on you, too, right?’

‘Why do you ask?’

‘I don’t like that thought.’

‘No, that doesn’t happen to me. I’m getting too old, Jake. Older gay people are less appealing in this world. You’ll find out.’

‘I find that hard to believe. When you walk around here naked, people look.’

‘I’m glad you think so.’ He smiles and looks past me, like he’s checking out the other guys. ‘But to answer your real question, yes, I do play around when I’m on my own.’

‘What… you mean, you still do, even though we’re lovers?’

‘Yes.’

‘Seriously?’

‘Remember that black kid we met in a bar in Nice on our last evening? I fucked him soon after you left.’

That’s a sudden bucket of ice water. I put down my drink and sit frozen. I want to go home. Now.

John continues sipping his drink. ‘It’s all right, Jake; it meant nothing. I love you.’